Last year, after Lana was born, I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. In the months before, I talked with several friends and mentors who had struggled with those same things, so I thought that if it was something I was affected by, at least I would be prepared.
But nobody told me I might not recognize that I was depressed.
I’m thankful for a doctor who did recognize the signs, even as I told her everything was fine. Looking back, I don’t know how I missed it. Words I constantly found myself using were: overwhelmed, guilty, disconnected, failure. I kept asking myself, “Why can’t I just get over this?” But there’s also so much JOY that comes with new motherhood, and I told myself that the extreme highs and lows were just a part of that new season. I told myself the fog was from the lack of sleep. I told myself that the sadness I felt to the depths of my soul was hormones.
I didn’t realize I was depressed until I wasn’t.
When I finally felt like I regained control of my life, I was left wrestling with the question “Who was that?” Who was that person who shut out her friends, who struggled to make simple decisions or remember anything, who woke her baby up every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing? Nobody told me how to deal with the after effects of postpartum depression once it was gone. Or how to find myself again.
For anyone who feels lost, wondering who they are, here are the words that reminded me.
I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
I am sanctified. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am anointed. (1 John 2:27)
I am loved. (1 John 4:10)
I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13)
I am the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
I am healed. (Isaiah 53:5)
I am victorious. (1 Corinthians 15:57)
I am HIS. (Galatians 2:20)